An Old Friend

I'm sorry, old self.

I'm sorry I don't share your vigor for passionate things anymore. I'm sorry that, unlike you, explored the depths of your maximum capacity to feel certain things. I'm sorry that my body has grown weak and my heart and my mind has become weary.

I'm sorry that I am stuck in this loop of hopelessness. This jaded reprieve from life's brighter days disturbs the demons inside that now run amok and deprive me of peace.

I'm sorry, old self. I keep on going back to when life was better. When sleeping at night was never a challenge as it is these days. I keep looking back and think of what I could have done. It's pointless. No amends can be done to fix what was broken. What I caused to break. What I did nothing to save.

I'm sorry if I smell of cigarettes all the time, and more often recently, of gin. I have found no point of achieving attraction from other people. I'm sorry that my once-unblemished appearance has now grown old. You, my old self, seem so far away even when I look past my reflection.

We used to have lots of fun with other people, dear old self. We used to enjoy drinking sprees or coffee nights with friends. We used to do things without regard or inhibitions. I'm sorry we don't experience life as it was before. Oh when did it become so complex? So complicated?

I have come to miss you, dear old self. I am sorry for not being able to find it within myself to swing by your side and share a peaceful cup of tea or two.

I don't know how to end this letter to you, and I am sorry, old self, for unbridled thoughts when time does not allow me - nor you - to harbor such feelings. But really, when is the right time? Is there a right time?

I yearn for peace, old self. I yearn to quell the demons that took dwelling inside my soul (if there is such a thing) and disturb the peace I once had. With you. You have gone so far away, old self. I yearn for your comfort.

No, I have gone away from your side. I sought for something else when all I ever needed was the peace inside you, old self, ever so lovingly provided for me.

I'm sorry, old self. I am no longer you. The memories of you are now feelings of nostalgia. Bittersweet, and never to be had ever again.

Jigoku